The days when the brutal reality of Alzheimer’s gets right up in your face and taunts you relentlessly are some of the hardest days on this journey. Today was one of those days. Midway through one of the toughest parts of the day, I decided we needed some music, so I turned on my music app. The first song to come up was Carole King’s You’ve Got A Friend. Out of all the songs on the Pandora playlist that Mitzi and I have been clicking Like on for 2.5 years, for that song to come on at that moment could not have been an accident. I needed that reminder right then that hidden behind the all-encompassing, blank mask of Alzheimer’s was one of my closest friends. Sometimes you just need that little bump in the wind through your sails to keep on going when the waters are especially choppy. It was perfect timing and I took a screenshot of the moment so I’d remember it.
Later this afternoon, while Mitzi’s sister was visiting, the Hospice aide came to help with bathing. She was a welcome sight since this week has been so off from the hurricane, so Gary and I have had this delicate task all week until today. You don’t realize how much you’ve come to depend on help until it’s not available! Because it has been increasingly difficult to walk and transition with Mitzi in the past week, it seemed like a good time to get a tutorial on bed baths. The aide that came today was especially wonderful and has been doing this for nearly 20 years, so I knew she’d have some expert tips, tricks, and advice. She did. It was an excellent tutorial.
But frankly, I almost couldn’t handle it. Twice I almost left the room. I learned years ago that if you look way up high, it’s harder for your tear ducts to work, so I’d just hold Mitzi’s hand and look for patterns in the ceiling texture.
The sheer cruelty of this debilitating disease was parading itself around in full regalia today. The reality of what the near future will look like shortly…the phase of this disease that takes one of the very last shreds of independence away from its host—walking—stared all of us down this afternoon during our tutorial. Mercifully, Mitzi’s mind had shifted into a peaceful slumber for most of the tutorial, barely keeping her awake enough to hear Angela leaning down and whispering sister secrets into her brave big sister’s ear during the most uncomfortable parts of the experience.
My takeaway from the emotional rollercoaster that was today is the great reminder that echoed in the timeless words of Carole King…in a song that would, without fail, make Mitzi cry every time it came on because she has been blessed both to be and to experience the truth of these lyrics:
When you’re down and troubledAnd you need some love and careAnd nothing, nothing is going rightClose your eyes and think of meAnd soon I will be thereTo brighten up even your darkest night
You just call out my nameAnd you know wherever I amI’ll come running, to see you again…????
