September 21st is World Alzheimer’s Day.
We thought it would be such poetic justice if that’s why Mitzi was hanging on. Certainly would be hard to forget the day she passed away from Alzheimer’s Disease if it was on the annual occasion of the entire world bringing awareness to it. Alas, she is still barely clinging to life tonight as I write this.
Her breathing has been shallow all day. There are no more grimaces when we reposition her. And her meds were increased in amount and frequency again today to keep her comfortable. At this point, the only real way we know the meds are wearing off and she needs an extra dose is that her breathing will become more labored and her heart starts pounding. You can see it beating wildly in her chest.
Regardless of when Mitzi gets the all clear to walk through the gates, I will never forget World Alzheimer’s Day 2019. In the Hospice room with Mitzi, Gary, and Angela this morning, I finally felt comfortable changing the playlist to something more her speed. Our Pandora Playlist we’ve worked on for years seemed wildly inappropriate for the sanctity of this space here at Hospice, and yet, it seemed totally right to be playing lyrics like, “She’s a brick house” or “Keep it comin’ love.” Every now and then, Mitzi’s eyelids would even flutter the slightest bit. It was hard, though, to glance at her feet and not see them moving. She could NEVER keep from tapping along to the beat.
As I sit here tonight, I try to think of what I will remember about World Alzheimer’s Day. A hundred unforgettable, awful images of the way Alzheimer’s ravages the body will be forever etched into my mind from witness the necessary tasks of the day. Perhaps time will erase some of those. The sound of Mitzi’s labored breathing when it’s time for meds will probably stick around for many years. Or watching the nurse put a protective cream on her left ear because skin is starting to break down there. The list of the ugly parts of Alzheimer’s to be remembered today is long. But the way I hope time and God will let me remember today is the conversation I had with Mitzi’s sister, Angela, on the patio right near Mitzi’s room.
We stepped out many times today to try and give Mitzi space in case she wants to slip away on her own terms without an audience. As of yet, that hasn’t worked because, if you know Mitzi, she LIVES for an audience. Anyway, Angela and I sat outside as an unusually nice breeze blew through the tall pines next to the screened patio. I asked her what it’s been like for her having a sister who has Alzheimer’s. I wasn’t expecting her answer. I was expecting something tearful. Some bullet list of heartache revolving around loss and grief that you know is coming but takes forever to arrive.
No, it was none of those. Her answer riveted me.
Angela thought about my question for a minute and said, “If it wasn’t for Alzheimer’s, I wouldn’t have had so much extra time…good time…with my sister. She was always busy before. Alzheimer’s allowed us to have time.”
Wow.
For a disease that robs people of time, that was a pretty shocking side effect for her to take away from all this. On the heels of her own answer, she asked me what my favorite memory has been over the past 3 years. While it was hard to pick, one of my all-time favorite memories was, hands down, Mitzi and Angela slow dancing to the Eagles’ Desperado at Angela’s once when we were staying for a Girls Night Out. Angela made time for those as often as she could because it was a fun getaway Mitzi could look forward to, but also gave Gary a much-needed recharge time. And we weren’t far away in case anything went haywire.
Watching the two of them late that night in March of 2018 as they both held each other, rocking back and forth as they slowly turned in a circle, each of them wiping tears from their eyes, it was so evident that there was at least one gift Alzheimer’s offered in exchange for all it takes: the necessity to slow time and energy and schedules down so we can focus on the small things that really matter most. What a gift to witness that precious moment.
Tonight, in the late hours of World Alzheimer’s Day, as I sit here holding Mitzi’s hand and listening to my sweet friend’s breaths come in waves of varying rhythms, I, too, am grateful for Alzheimer’s precious gift of just a tiny bit more time…????
