Can I be real for a second?
I just turned 39 years old. (The average age of many of my friends is well over 60, so this is not a post about feeling old at a mere 39; I know I’m still a baby!). But I wanted to speak to the hearts of the caregivers out there.
I spent 4 years of my life, (and I treasure those 4 years), having my sweet grandmother live with us in our home when she was in mid-stage Alzheimer’s Disease. For the first 3 years, she was pretty portable or could be left at home for short periods of time. But taking care of her and our two boys, while my husband was gone 4-5 days a week as a pilot, made for some stressful days and nights. More so in that 4th year when she wasn’t able to stay by herself and I was working to help make ends meet. So I get it. Helping to take care of my friend Mitzi as she battles the cruel and unusual punishment of this disease isn’t my first time being in the ring with this thug called Alzheimer’s.
I get that you can get so very lost in caregiving and its daily requirements that you start to forget who you were before you became an expert at changing the linens at 2am, or before your great win for the day was getting your loved one to the bathroom in time. (No joke, some days, there is no greater joy!). Life with Alzheimer’s calls for routine yet requires the whole household to be able to stay on their toes and turn on a dime whenever necessary. The only constant with Alzheimer’s is constant change.
Listen, for the folks in the back of the room who might not have firsthand experience with this, please hear me out: this stuff is tough. Being responsible for all of your own decisions and plans in this life can be enough of a challenge. Then add on the needs and wants of kids or jobs or other loved ones, and then factor in being the brain for someone who is already or is becoming fully reliant upon you can require the mental acuity and multi-tasking prowess of a genius.
A few years ago, the picture of what I thought my life was shaping up to look like seemed to be coming into clearer focus. I had a job that I absolutely adored and that was extremely gratifying professionally and personally. I was also a real estate agent on the side. And I did freelance photography. I had 3 business cards I could hand out at any given time. I started helping Mitzi on the side in little bits just trying to be helpful to someone whose world seemed to be closing in on her. Over a few months, she needed more and more help and, since we got along swimmingly, I started helping her more. Eventually, my other job (that never felt like a “job”) went away when there was no longer room in the budget for my position. Just prior to that, I had decided to give up my real estate license because the dues and obligations weren’t paying for themselves in a slower market, and it became too tough to juggle kids and open houses. Plus, my camera equipment started getting worn down and I couldn’t afford to fix or replace it. So, at 37 years old, I now had no business cards to give out. My days consisted of being a wife, mother, and, for 8 hours a day, being my friend’s “Director of Adventure & Shenanigans.” Though I found tremendous joy in walking with Mitzi through the slow tying up of loose ends while she was able to do things, it was tough to call that a career. I wouldn’t trade the time with her for anything, though.
Since 2012, I have been part of a team of amazing volunteers at our church who help host a simulcast leadership conference. It’s an incredibly inspiring event that I relish being immersed in every year. Mitzi “helped” me with it back in 2017. Last year, I wasn’t able to take part because I felt I was needed more with her. This year, I’m dividing my time between Mitzi and serving/listening to the wisdom at the conference. I have to admit that it’s hard to hear the inspiring speakers and then come watch a monitor as this dear friend sleeps while her mind goes to war with itself. But I know that there is purpose in this “down time.” And it’s temporary. A season. I know that sometimes when we pray for patience, we don’t get served patience on a platter but rather opportunities (like feeding someone who takes literally 5 minutes to chew one small bite of casserole) to learn how to be patient. Or if we pray for strength, we are gifted with difficult situations that will ultimately build our strength muscles.
So, if you are a caregiver reading this, please know that there IS purpose in your season, too. In the little and big things that make up your day. The 4 years I spent with my grandmother seemed like they crawled some days, but, now that she’s been healed in Heaven, those years seem like they were gone in a flash. My days of coming up with a purpose and fun things for a friend in her 50s to do 45 hours a week as her world became smaller flew by as well. Cherish as many of the moments as you can and know that there is a bigger picture of your life being worked out; even now as you go in to change this week’s 3rd load of sheets and towels from the washer to the dryer…????
